Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
