She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize