im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
