She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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