my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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