Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
