Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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