Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
