i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize