hotel room ftw
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
