We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
