For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
