I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
