In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
