i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize