you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
