fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
