when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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