A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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