I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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