please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
