new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
