Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
