DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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