The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
