I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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