he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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