I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
