I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
