K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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