Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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