btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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