only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
