im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
