yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize