I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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