Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
