When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
