omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
