I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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