I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
