I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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