Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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