Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
