Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
