hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What a dumb baby whore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
