I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
