She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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