it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
