so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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