I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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