He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
