I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
