if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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