if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
