There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize