I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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