You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
last night I used snow as a chaser
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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