Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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