his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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