If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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