I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
