dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
